Knowing When to Walk Away: Reflections on Life and Ministry

Early in my ministry, I remember a pastor sharing the challenges he had faced with certain difficult members of his congregation.  As he moved on to “greener pastures,” he admitted there were people in that church for whom he wouldn’t even cross the street.  He was grateful to move on, glad to shake the dust off his feet.  At the time, I thought his attitude was un-Christlike - but over the years, I have come to understand him.

I am not condoning bitterness, malice, or prejudice.  In fact, I believe those who follow Jesus most closely are often marked by the greatest compassion and mercy. Those nearest to Him tend to be humble, quick to forgive, and eager for reconciliation.

Still, there are times when this man’s attitude is entirely appropriate.  They may be rare, but I have learned that there are people for whom I, too, would not cross the street.

But first, a clarification. Today, Christians are sometimes known for their animosity toward people who identify as LGBT, or toward those who strongly advocate for them.  Sadly, we are also known for harboring negative attitudes - and at times even bitterness - toward immigrants, people of other faiths, the politically liberal, those given to what is now labeled “toxic empathy,” and, at times, almost anyone outside our own circle.  I cannot understand such animosity.

While I hold to a biblical ethic - which means I understand the difference between good and evil - I also recognize that it was the religious leaders who criticized Jesus for spending time among just these types of people.  After all, He came for them.

Over the years, I have found kindness in unexpected places and enjoyed good conversations with people whom my circles might deem “the enemy.”  Time and again, I have been surprised at where I found mercy, compassion, and kindness.

At the same time, while we are the ones who ought to walk as Jesus walked, there is too often something mean spirited and hateful in the attitude and conduct of those who should know better.  Again and again, I have watched so-called followers of Jesus devour one another.

When I speak of those for whom I wouldn’t cross the street, I am not referring to the people one might expect. I love spending time with the down and out - society’s “ragamuffins.”  I enjoy talking with the homeless, the poor, ordinary blue-collar workers, and people from all walks of life especially those who know what it is to face hardship.  I value conversations about politics with those who see things differently.  I enjoy meeting Hindu, Sikh, and Muslim immigrants.

I have also enjoyed talking with those who proudly display PRIDE flags and advocate for LGBT causes.  In my experience, these are often unbelievers motivated more by compassion than by hate.  I can understand their perspective, even when I disagree, and I recognize that the mind, will, and affections of an unregenerate person are under the power of sin.  They are not my enemies - they are among the many in our world who need Jesus.  So who do I have in mind?  I see three types.

First, those who claim to be Christian yet persist in unrepentant sin.  I am not referring to those who have committed heinous - even unthinkable - sins, but to those who, despite the patient and prayerful efforts of the Church (see Matthew 18:15–17), refuse to repent.  This is an important distinction. Too often, Christian circles rush not to restore a fallen comrade but to destroy him. I recall the recent reactions of the Church to Steven Lawson and Josh Buice.  In both cases, there was a cover-up, and both - like David - had to be confronted before they would confess.  Yet the instinct to attack, destroy, and even erase all traces of their ministry,  even when there was evidence of repentance, runs contrary to the Spirit we see in Scripture and to the gracious example God set in dealing with David and Peter.

So, while I would not cross the street for a professing Christian living in unrepentant sin, the moment they return, I believe we ought to respond as Paul urged:

“Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him. For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things… Wherefore I beseech you to reaffirm your love for him, lest by any means such an one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.”

Second, those who - despite repeated warnings - are consistently divisive.  I don't mean those, like Luther, who take a doctrinal stand for reasons of conscience.  I don’t mean those who simply refuse to tow the party line.  Rather, I have in mind those who believe lies, spread lies, cannot be reasoned with, and refuse to see the best in others.  They level false accusations, demand repentance for imagined offenses, and vanish from your life, leaving no room to explain or defend yourself.  As John Gill put it, they are “ever sowing seeds of discord.”  They twist truth and fan tiny sparks into blazing fires, leaving behind suspicion, hurt, and fractured trust.  Scripture tells us to turn away from such people.  Their actions may wound and baffle at first, but there is great freedom in walking away entirely, refusing to be ensnared by their deceit or discord.  They may be forgiven, yet, in the words of Nehemiah, we “will not go down to them,” for they are instruments of the enemy - distractions from the work and relationships that truly deserve our time.

Third, those who waste precious time on distractions that do not advance the kingdom.  This is a group I now have much less patience for.  They get lost in endless debates over trivial issues, chase conspiracy theories, or follow rabbit holes that lead nowhere.  My recent health issues have brought some clarity - when so much is uncertain, priorities sharpen.  I want to spend my time on what truly matters: speaking about Jesus, learning to live as He lived, and trying to walk as Enoch did.  Whatever time I have - much or little - I want it to make a difference in the lives of my family and with those whom Jesus called “the least of these.”  The rest - the endless speculation and arguments over minutiae - belongs to those who have little better to do.  

I remember conversations with a particular man that I used to dread.  I felt obligated to entertain them out of politeness.   I now choose not to engage, even if it might seem impolite, rather than waste my time.

Which brings me to a final consideration.  For years, I sang the lyrics, “Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,” and I truly meant it.  Yet when I lost my church community, I discovered how much I had cared about what people thought of me.  Then recent health issues turned my life - at least partly - upside down, and I suddenly felt free of all that.  I remember lying in a hospital bed, and in that moment, I cared about only two things: my Savior and my family.  I gave no thought to the past, to the successes or failures of ministry, the opinions of men, or the impact I had - or had not - made on the world.  None of it mattered. What mattered was my standing with Jesus and the love I shared with my family.  Perhaps because the health challenges have continued, the impact of that moment has lasted. I have not ceased to care about others; in fact, the more time I spend with Jesus, the more I understand what it is to be constrained by the love of Christ.  But I have stopped caring about my reputation or the opinions of others - and I have felt much happier as a result.

If I could give a young pastor some practical advice, it would be along these lines: 

A. There are some people you shouldn't cross the street for.  Know who they are, and hold your ground. They are like the leech, whose two daughters cry, 'Give, give'; if you let them, they will drain you dry.

B. There are some conversations you shouldn’t waste time on.  Don’t.  

C. Be particularly wary of the flatterer. They come on strong at the start, heaping up words of affirmation and even praise.  But they have an agenda - they want something from you that you will never be able to give. Though they may at first seem the nicest people you’ve ever met, they “spread a net" for your feet and with their mouths “work ruin (Proverbs 6:26, 30).”  Do not trust them.

D. Remember that the praise of men is fickle.  Like the crowds who welcomed Jesus, most people come and go. One moment they put a man on a pedestal; the next, they tear him down.  But none of this ultimately matters.  It won’t matter on your deathbed, and it shouldn’t matter now.  Let them think and say what they will; resolve in your heart, “Whatsoever they were, it maketh no matter to me.”

Give yourself first to pleasing the One who loves you and gave Himself for you.  Look to Jesus.  Read about Him, learn from Him, and learn of Him.  Above all, sit at His feet - His smile is worth more than worlds.

Second, devote your time and affection to those who will be with you on your deathbed: your immediate family, whom you already know will love you no matter what.

Third, shepherd like Jesus.  He gave time to sinners, took children on His lap, wept over the lost, sought out the wounded, and bound up the broken. Forget anything as fleeting and dangerous as fame. Feed His sheep.  And always remember - they need Jesus.  So preach Jesus.